Did not choose me

everything in life comes about with a certain consistency,

every now and then a shock, some more than others,

and others more than some, we have to understand,

that we have very little control, we just continue to adapt to our surroundings,

the people that can make a significant difference with the little control they have are rewarded,

I recently lost someone I truly loved, I sat and thought about it for hours, and I became anxious,

and even decided not to go to work today, but in all my discovery I found out again,

that we have very little to no control, and sometimes we just need to let go of what we think we have control over,

I began to call upon God, and ask that he give me the clarity to make it through,

but I found I may have been asking the wrong request, I had been fighting against a tide that was more significant than just me,

selfishly I wanted what I wanted and not to think of the other. I look back on the beauty of the relationship and also the horrific times,

still not fully understanding what I could do to turn it upside down and how I could undo it, still asking the wrong question and looking for the

wrong solution.

I blamed myself all day, and today I woke up to a repressed memory that lingered in my head months back, my father comes to my house and

asks me do I love him, and I tell him,

“it is not my choice to love. It is my hearts and my heart does not know you”

so I run away from it all, and leave the door open and consequentially he walks in, and in all of my fleeing I end up in front of him and he says,

“I didn’t choose you son”

and I thought to myself, and it was not my choice to choose you, after some other events I came to a conclusion I’d been asking God for a really

long time. I woke up and began to walk about and  began to write my dream down, but I stopped and trembled a bit, then put my pencil down. I

began to look at the relationship and my lost the day before, and I thought I did not choose her and she did not choose me. So in all of this, it

wasn’t a mere chance we would ever know each other, in fact the possibilities were standing tall against it. I thought well we met and now we

are lost, so is that the part we play, but I know God didn’t make love a transaction, and I know he didn’t say it would be easy, and I can say that

I have not worked very hard, but at the epitome of it all, I am awoken, another story too late. But in all of this I find myself knowing that giving

up on love is not something I can just choose to give up on, but it is not I that gives up, so there is nothing I can do but watch it all go to waste

and pick up the good that is left of me and let this go, because I have no control, and I never had it in the first place.